Noarlunga is part of the urban coastal sprawl that seems to stretch from the suburbs of Adelaide all the way down to McLaren Vale. Although I was told these ‘suburbs’ are largely for Adelaide bound commuters, the places overlooking the sea and fantastic bays were also serious-money holiday accommodation.

Noarlunga Port is nothing more than a jetty, snorkelling centre and a [another] life saving club.

The jetty and reef [just visible] from my plane – not a drone

And the same jetty from the beach. An impressive 500m

Beach and jetty aside, the area behind Noarlunga is McLaren Vale, Adelaide’s wine producing region. There are 120 wineries within just a few miles of each other – many welcoming visitors. Unlike the Clare region where for time reasons, I hadn’t taken up the offer of a ‘Cellar Door’ experience, I thought it was time to take a look. But at which one? The answer came from my chatty motel-owner who without hesitation said ‘The Cube’.

Without seeming to look down for pen and paper on the reception desk, she scribbled the address whilst continuing her eulogy about it. Adding that it had been in the news as ‘the place’ to visit on the circuit, and that it was currently attracting 100s if not 1000s daily.

Seen this before somewhere? The Cube, The centrepiece of the well known D’Arenberg winery

View of the D’Arenberg vineyards

I paid $10 to enter the D’Arenberg experience, and along with dozens of others trooped into the ground floor of the Cube. In the reception area one whole wall was dedicated to fetching cartoon-like images of creatures and people alike. Some were just motifs looking like they awaited animation. A rather forward young lady, dressed in what I came later to realise, was the D’Arenberg uniform, started, unprompted, to explain the story behind the cartoon fresco.

They were images associated with their 50 or so wines that were currently available. I was trying to connect the bright spray painted artwork to what I remembered of their Company logo, when I spotted amongst the ‘characters’ on the wall, a clear likeness of Frankie Howerd. He was wearing a garland on his head and had that surprised expression that older folk will remember him by. Next to him was unmistakably Kenneth Williams. It was a scene from ‘Up Pompeii’, the 70s TV comedy hit.

I remarked on this to the girl, but she was still explaining something about ‘association’ and wine character, to a semi rapt audience behind me. When she finally listened to my comment I realised that probably even her parents weren’t on solids when the BBC was airing this outrageous comedy. It did seem a bit of a rip off – did anyone else notice I wondered?

Room 1 was interesting, but almost pitch black. It was the sensory smell chamber – a place where you could sample the aroma of hundreds of smells that a good nose can use or find in the production of wine. In short it was a room full of jam jars stuck to the wall, each with a rubber claxon type honker that could puff into your face the smell of whatever was contained in the jar below. Strawberries, Rose petal, Mushroom, Honeysuckle, Straw, Peanuts, Lavender, Chocolate, too many to remember. People squealed with delight when they correctly guessed an essence.

Room 1 Sensory

Room 2 was nothing more than an ill-lit student’s bedroom – from the 1950s. People didn’t know whether to pause or go on. In the gloaming you could discern empties, desktop junk and some other pointless objects. It was too dark to see much more so on we all went – to another area that was just full of streamers of what can only have been old VHS tape. Ribbons of it all hanging down in the middle of the room. I mean thousands of pieces [what else is VHS good for these days?] forming a soft curtain, and in the middle an area, like in the hurricane’s eye, nothing. Calm even if you continue the hurricane analogy. Woody Allen’s film ‘Sleeper’ came to mind.

The videotape started a mixed response from its audience as people wandered into it hands held out as if trying to part a wave. Giggles gasps and those sort of laughs you get when trying not to laugh and the sound comes out of your nose. Jokingly someone was sniffing a clump of the stuff and trying to describe the smell as a wine. I just wondered what was recorded on the tape. ‘Up Pompeii?’

The next room – room 3, was a semi-circular standing-room-only cinema. We were told that we were lucky with our timing as the show was about to start. 8 digital projectors all in perfect alignment covered the half moon wall with colour. Then a sun appeared from the clouds and morphed on it it was a face. The Sun Baby from the Teletubbies!

I wasn’t quick witted enough to photograph this rip off. It was a man, Mr D himself, explaining his philosophy on making and drinking wine. People agreed audibly with his comments, wanting to see more of tractors, feet squashing grapes and moustachioed men finding nose whilst leaning on oak barrels.

But no, the show went on, and on and on, with just a kaleidoscopic image of a Chinese dragon cat, changing colour to a psychedelic soundtrack. When the Indian family next to me stopped videoing this waste of time and left, I wondered who was going to be next in the audience with the effrontery to quit.

I wondered whether Elvis’s ‘Suspicious Minds’ might have sounded better. – it starts ‘We’re caught in a trap, I can’t walk out…’

Luckily, Health and Safety being what it is, the Exit was marked and the handle to the door had its very own beam of projected light cast onto it. Almost giving it the appearance of being in its own Perspex box. I left and waited for the lift. There was wine tasting on the top floor. We had earned it.

Floors 2 and 3 were closed to the public today, but I had seen on the D’A website that they offered a dining experience never to be missed on other days of the week.

A page from the website. I freely admit here that I assume a degustation means a meal. The site adds that these 2 levels of degustation will cost either $150 for the long lunch or $195 for the extra long lunch. Plus an extra $55 for wine pairing. Vegans welcome. I was losing the will; you’d have to go Dutch with your partner if it was looking like 150 quid each. Floor 2 must have been for the paupers or tight-fisted; floor 3 was for those wanting La Grande Bouffe. And how would a vegan get on for that money?

Floor 4 was wine tasting. I started by saying I hadn’t learned an awful lot about the wine so far on my visit, so just recommend please. A sparkling: Great; A Riesling: Great; A Shiraz: Great. I couldn’t linger in conversation with the extremely trendy staff who moved up and down the counter corking screwing and pouring. I certainly didn’t know how to take or make notes.

Was this the one that smelled of videotape?

Pseuds Corner

I’m sorry D’Arenberg family, someone’s having a laugh. Was it the PR company that got you to invest millions in the Cube experience, or is it the Public who are clearly bemused by the whole $10 adventure? Sometime in the previous hour I’d heard the words ‘Wine and Art; one massive sensory experience’ piped out of a hole in the wall. If only they’d told me at the start…

Today was memorable, and I did learn a very long word

The Author: Blinded by the light